So here is today's issue. My mom and I haven't spoke in a week, since I blatently told her I believe she has symptoms of Histrionic Personality Disorder and though I loved her very much and cared about here, I felt strongly that it was wise for myself and my family that I ask she seek out professional help before we move forward with building our relationship (it is currently rubble and dust). Though histrionics typically are unable to grasp the disorder as being directly relevant to their lives, there is a coping skill which teaches them how to understand the direct link between how their actions lead others to react. For instance:
HPD Woman at Social Event
HPD's Date
HPD's Date's Friend
HPD's Date
HPD's Date's Friend
She says to a man she has never met before: "Oh my gosh, I absolutely LOVE your suit! THAT is SO sharp on you! It makes you look SO amazing. You could never wear anything that LOOKS as GREAT on your BODY as THAT DOES!!!"
"Wow dude, your date is really loud and overly friendly. Is she always like this? I mean, I could be wrong, but it seems like she may have hit on me a bit."
HPD and Date in car: "So, my friend in there said you were being a little overly friendly."
Anger sets in, she begins to cry, "How could he say such a thing! Oh my God! That is ridiculous, he is trying to make me look like a horrible person to break us up I know it! He wants to ruin my life! This is the worse night of my life! I cannot believe someone would make-up such a boldface lie to try to destroy our relationship!"
The point is, an individual with HPD is only able to understand what they want to believe a situation to be. They can take a simply statement such as "you were being overly friendly" and A. Blow it out of proportion in there minds B. Construe it so that it fits perfectly with the Never My Fault mentality.
This leads me to where, this morning, I decided to start a blog. I am not completely sure if this is legal but I think it only right to start this off with a bang. Here is a letter from my mom. For anyone who is knowledgeable about HPD you can find the hints of it within the letter. If your not, what you are looking for are any of the following characteristics:
Overly dramatic, reactive, and intensely expressed behavior; strident and superficial emotionality, emotional storms, constant attention-seeking, sexually seductive behavior, histrionics, submissiveness, eagerness to please, ruthless willfulness (Chodoff, pp. 2727-2728).
Affectation, overreaction, stimulus-seeking, intolerance of inactivity, impulsiveness, theatricality, flirtatiousness, demandingness, attention-seeking, exhibitionism (Millon, pp. 138, 140).
Emotional manipulation, seductiveness; demands for constant attention; cravings for novelty, stimulation, and excitement; suicide gestures and threats (American Psychiatric Association, pg. 656).
One more thing to note, my mom included my two other siblings in the email though they have absolutely nothing to do with this situation. I mean, literally nothing. It was clearly a sad, passive aggressive and inappropriate attempt to put me in the abuser role, once again.
This is what happens when you tell someone who clearly has HPD, that they have HPD:
This is what happens when you tell someone who clearly has HPD, that they have HPD:
"Dear Children,
First of all I want to say the single and most important thing to me (after God) is having an incredible relationship with each of you, your spouses and children. I love you very, very much and our time on this earth is very, very short and the years go quickly -so it's important to me to enjoy my time with each of you.
We have all had hurts, said and done things to hurt each other and for my part as a mother my heart is to say I am sorry for anything I have said or done in the past to hurt you. I hope we can achieve forgiveness and let judgmental hearts go, it is destructive to our relationship moving forward. Beating me down emotionally and treating me like I am a failure is not the answer, just as avoiding you in response is not the answer. But, I recognize that I only have control over me. We can only pray that God can reveal our hearts to each other so that we can let go of the judgments, hurts and resentments from the past that continue to impede our ability to enjoy and love each other. We are missing out on precious time and memories because of our stubbornness and pride. It's going to take a group decision to move forward into the future and it is up to us to set the tone and boundaries for our relationships.
Giving me ultimatums to get therapy, self diagnosing me with personality disorders, throwing my past in my face consistently and threatening me by limiting access to my family is hurtful, destructive and pushing me away. As I said, I recognize my choices and decisions impacted you both emotionally and in regard to how you engage in relationships and I can only say I am sorry and ask for your forgiveness. I can't turn back time, but would if I could. My last two years in abuse counseling, Alanon getting spiritual counseling and having to move back to KC alone living in the house myself for that extra 6 month with no support has made me very healthy. (Having a roommate social worker with a Master's Degree has been really great too!) She works on every type of personality disorder on a daily basis and strongly disagrees with the Histrionic "label" that has been placed on me. Everyone has some tendencies of various disorders, but their are specific criteria to be properly diagnosed which I do not meet. That is really irrelevant, but I was greatly offended by that.
Working at SAFE Home has changed my life for the better. Abused women lack rational thinking and make extremely poor choices. I am not using that as an excuse, but am trying to help you understand the mind set I was operating from when I made poor choices in the past that affected you guys. My negative choices are totally clear and the effect they have had and I have turned them into positives. My heart breaks for what you children have had to endure under "verbally and mentally" abusive home life and the consequences you have suffered from my behavior. I apologize again and encourage you to check out Alanon for great understanding and coping skills for any hurt, bitterness and resentments you might feel. It has really changed my life.
This is what I have learned..it's not my place to tell you what you need, or to try to coerce you to do something I think you should do. It's my job to love you unconditionally no matter what life brings. Your choices can only be made by you. It would be unhealthy for me to be forced into doing something as an ultimatum. Every person has to make choices based on what they want not someone else.
I love you, I want to laugh, live, love and enjoy our short time on this earth together! It is going to take each of us working on that together.
Love,
Mom"
So, what do you think? How should I respond?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteI have just come across your blog after Googling for children of histrionic mothers. I am absolutely staggered at the similarity between your mother and my step-son's mother. She could have written that letter above - she vomits up blather like that constantly. I'm afraid I believe there's nothing you can do by way of responding appropriately or effectively. I am a psychotherapist and these people are exceedingly difficult to challenge as their perspective on reality is permanently somewhat distorted and so far removed from what any 'reasonable' person would perceive as the reality as to be impossible to debate. This is different from schizophrenics, for example, who may be quite rational some, most of the time, but then obviously 'go to a different planet' on occasion, such that their perception of reality is not distorted so much as obviously 'unreal' to everyone else except the schizophrenic, and it is very easy for others to see. This is a very simplistic way to think about it but I think it helps. The histrionics in particular are very difficult to challenge because they look and sound so 'good' - charming, witty, attentive, 'informed' etc etc.
My reason for doing the search is that my step-son has now come to live with his father and me full time as his mother has just raced off with a man she hardly knows to another part of the state. For this boy's entire life she has worked assiduously to maintain a deeply enmeshed relationship with him while simultaneously working just as assiduously to undermine his father and gatekeep between them. I am wondering what it is like for a child to have a mother like this. This boy (16 yrs old) is very protective and has always defended his mother's behaviour to an extraordinary level. She has brainwashed him that she deserves this chance at the relationship etc etc.
I'm hoping you might share with me what it was like for you to grow up with your mother so I can try to understand what it's been like for this boy.
Kind regards
Patricia
I see this article is several years old so I'm not sure if this is going to reach anyone. I have only recently discovered that my mother has hpd and my therapist is the one who told me about it. In my research your blog came up. My mom and yours could be twins! I would be interested in knowing how your situation concluded after talking to her about the disorder as I am struggling to figure out how to talk to my mom.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis article sounds just like my wife. We're going through a divorce after dealing with this for almost 20 years. My bigger concern is the time my kids spend living with her. I'm thinking about getting custody so they can be removed from the insanity.
ReplyDeleteI hope you manage to get custody. Looking back, I can only imagine how desperately unhappy my Dad must have been - saintly patience is an understatement. Your [ex] wife has no idea the scars she is leaving on your children.
DeleteHaving a hpd mother is exhausting and damaging. If you think your kids would be better off with you I suggest you move for custody although the damage is likely already done.
ReplyDeleteMy mom also has hpd, it's comforting to know that there are lots of others out there whom have the same struggles with their moms that I do. Although it's cold comfort because I know that she is likely to never change and I'm not looking forward to having to watch her grow old and navigate the issues surrounding the later stages of life. I am jealous of girls who've been able to bond and have close relationships with their mothers. I hope that when my baby is born I am able to be everything I missed out on, but I'm scared. I also feel sorry for my mother that she doesn't seem to have any real deep connections to anyone, I think she does try but her interactions are so shallow, it's hard to explain. I can't imagine life without connecting and loving people deeply. I know that it's sad and isolating for her but I'm not sure that anything can be done. It's a sad existence
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what you're saying as my mother is the same way. I lavish my son with all the love and attention I did not get myself and it has been very healing for me. However, I hate to tell you this but I feel I must warn you that my mother got even worse after having my son because then she always wanted to be with him. I limit his time with her for obvious reasons to you and I but to her I'm being a horrible abusive daughter who won't allow her to see her grandson. This of course isn't true at all, she sees him, just not alone and not constantly like she wants. I hope and pray that you and I and everyone else dealing with a histrionic mother finds a safe way out.
DeleteI completely understand what you're saying as my mother is the same way. I lavish my son with all the love and attention I did not get myself and it has been very healing for me. However, I hate to tell you this but I feel I must warn you that my mother got even worse after having my son because then she always wanted to be with him. I limit his time with her for obvious reasons to you and I but to her I'm being a horrible abusive daughter who won't allow her to see her grandson. This of course isn't true at all, she sees him, just not alone and not constantly like she wants. I hope and pray that you and I and everyone else dealing with a histrionic mother finds a safe way out.
DeleteMy heart goes out to all of you. My foster child has this disorder. I shudder when I think of the possibility of her being a parent, she is self centered. Manipulative, lier, seductive, con-artist, the only thing that makes a small change in her is when I remove myself from her presence.
DeleteWe shudder at the thought of our HPD mothers.
DeleteI have just stumbled across this blog as, at 25 years old and working in the mental health field, I have begun to connect that I truly believe my mom has HPD, as well. I'm working on my Master in Social Work and have always loved mental health, which is a part of what drove me to this field, but I've really struggled to identify what was happening with my mom because it's so enmeshed, confusing, EXHAUSTING and isolating (a lot of the time).
ReplyDeleteThe letter that you posted could have been VERBATIM for what my mom has written and also said to me before. It's been so incredibly confusing to me because she is really smart and unfortunately, often uses that as a manipulation and guilt-trip on me.. which has definitely worked. After letters or hearing her say this stuff to me, I almost feel gaslit- as if this were my fault and SHE is the one trying to "help" ME. It's emotionally exhausting. I have a little brother who is currently 19, and he's REALLY been manipulated by her and almost seemingly brain-washed. I feel guilty for saying these things because I really do love my mom.. but I'm starting to understand those are some of the messages I've internalized throughout lifetime manipulation.
Because I'm really new to this (and definitely posting YEARS later- sorry!), I'm not sure I have much to offer other than support and just know you're not alone. Sending positivity and strength your way!
I feel for you all I do and prayers to all of you. I'm beginning to think my mother has this disorder and is also a drama queen. She just turned 60 and still cares about her looks,she thinks half the town's men have the hots for her,she's never wrong about anything and she constantly gripes about everything. I think I've had enough of her. For years I've had health issues. Last night she post on Facebook that she's leaving Facebook again (this isnt the first time) because she's stressed about me being terminally ill. I'm not terminally ill and had to explain to those that were saying they were going to pray for me that I am sick but not dying like my mother was making it sound like. I said it in a nice way. Like I said my mother is a drama queen. She called me yelling at me and I told her to stop dramatizing everything and hung up on her. Now she's messaging me calling me names and trash talking me. I've had enough. She's always complaining about her and my stepfather as well ( he's narsacisstic ) yet she does nothing. No wonder my brothers live few hours away from us. All I can do is just love her from afar. She's always negative and I'm tired (My Husband is tired of her as well). I hope and pray for you all and your mothers as I will be praying for mine. That's all I can do. GOD Bless.
ReplyDeleteMy mother is Histrionic, and as a child, life was hell. I just thought she was a mean mother, weird and different from all my friends' mothers, and it wasn't until I was an adult, nearing 50, that me, my sister and brother discovered the underlying reason of her actions, her manipulative ways, etc. Histrionic. It is simply exhausting dealing with a histrionic mother and my sister and I have had to sever ties with her in order to have a healthy life...mentally and emotionally. Reading that letter, I would have sworn my mother wrote most of that. We have seen many letters like that, penned from our own mother. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that she will never get or understand what damage she's done to us (her daughters primarily) and our relationship. Very strange disorder.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know where to begin right now.
ReplyDeleteI just discovered this blog today.
I'll start with my worries first I guess.
Everyone's description of their mothers, their quotes, letters, examples... it all seems "normal" to me, or what I've been led to believe is normal. I've lived with so much resentment towards my mother my entire life without truly knowing why and feeling incredibly guilty about it. Any time I've tried to confront these issues with her and express my feelings it blows up in to "how dare you? I'm so sorry you had a perfect childhood where everything was provided to you, and if I had abused you then maybe your emotions would make sense."
As I mentioned earlier... I'm worried. Terrified honestly, that her HPD is genetic, hereditary, or learned. I'm halfway through my twenties now, still seeking answers and about to start counselling, and for a long time (especially in my late teens) I've displayed similar behaviour to her. "Monkey see, monkey do" I guess. I'm not sure if I've just subconsciously picked up the wrong mentality that "this is how relationships with women are suppose to work", or if I also have the condition (male by the way). Even as I'm writing this the guilting and shaming part of myself is saying "wouldn't it be convenient for an HPD to seek sympathy from a HPD blog?".
I don't know if there's something wrong with me, or if this is just the result of a manipulative and emotionally abusive upbringing full of gas-lighting. So I'm going to find out and seek a professional with the credentials to make a diagnosis.
I'm not trying to underplay my own behaviour here. In past relationships, I have been emotionally unstable, self absorbed, downright manipulative when I feel out of control, and unable to truly see how my behaviours affect my partners until long after the fact. I often over-dress (my mother always told me growing up that there is no such thing as over dressing and that you should always look your best to impress. Literally showed up to a job interview in a Tuxedo once like in Step Brothers. Kind of funny honestly), and I have pushed away or hurt just about everyone close enough in my life to be emotionally involved with me. Needy-avoidant behaviour is my forte. I can't even count the amount of times I've deactivated my facebook account during stressful times because I don't want sympathy from people only to reactivate it because I feel lonely. I spent the majority of my teens locked in my room trying to escape her clingy behaviour. The bathroom was the only place where I had any actual privacy and I would literally spend hours in there just to have some time to myself.
I realize most people with NPD, HPD, and BPD can't recognize they may have behavioural issues. Would someone clever enough with one of those conditions announce it just to hide? I don't know.
If you can't tell, I'm at a point in my life where I'm feeling incredibly confused about whose to blame for my relationships falling apart. Me or my mother? The answer's probably "both", though I recognize that it's solely my responsibility to seek treatment; no one can do this for me. Blame doesn't ultimately matter in the end. Moving forward and changing does.
I'm really grateful this blog exists to be honest; I feel like it's the only safe place I can vent and express myself right now.