Is it OK to "take a break" from a parent?

I decided to reply to the letter from my mom with a generic, "let me think about this" note. It was neither cold nor loving, simply without any emotion. I've ran this course with my mom too many times to be emotionally responsive. What are the next steps? I suppose I have to decide how I will handle our interactions. I want to take a break from her. I am so emotionally exhausted with her manipulative and conniving ways. Nothing is ever genuine and everything is about her. Being around her for long periods of time only ends in me being completely worn out with her theatrics. Guess that's what it is to deal with a family member who has Histrionic Personality Disorder. Unpredictable, unstable, and utterly exhausting.

Something that is especially annoying me is my mother's life goal to IMPRESS. In Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disorders, Aaron T. Beck, Arthur Freeman, and associates (1990) list typical beliefs associated with each specific personality disorder. I've underlined the statement regarding impressing since this is the one that's been itching me today. I have more stories than one about every belief stated below. My future posts will certainly be juicy!

Typical Beliefs of People with Histrionic Personality Disorder

• I am an interesting, exciting person.
• In order to be happy I need other people to pay attention to me.
• Unless I entertain or impress people, I am nothing.
• If I don't keep others engaged with me, they won't like me.
• The way to get what I want is to dazzle or amuse people.
• If people don't respond very positively to me, they are rotten.
• It is awful for people to ignore me.
• I should be the center of attention.
• I don't have to bother to think things through. I can go by my "gut" feeling.
• If I entertain people, they will not notice my weaknesses.
• I cannot tolerate boredom.
• If I feel like doing something, I should go ahead and do it.
• People will pay attention only if I act in extreme ways.
• Feelings and intuition are much more important that rational thinking and planning.

So, here's the story. When my mom was divorcing my dad she started hooking up with the part owner of her company. Sure sure, whatever. It happens, right right. I now believe her transition from one male dependency to the other is a direct result of her HPD. The puzzles seemed to fit with this situation once I found out the details of HPD, there was certainly some closure with the "mom left dad for another man" issue lingering within me.

Anyways, her new husband, my ex-stepfather, is black. My mother, white. Okay, no big deal. We live in a new era where interracial marriages are supported and in some places of the nation praised. Rightfully, as they deserve to be in my opinion. I mean, this isn't biblical times people. Our family was pretty accepting. Her new husband's family, not so much. They were a little peeved, their 5' 6" strong black son had left his strong-willed and culturally aggressive black wife for a bouncing, blue-eyed, blonde broad. The first time I met them, I could tell they were internally furious. An older couple that showed little enthusiasm towards anything and yet were able to show even less of an interest in my mom and their son's relationship.

Now, this is where the HPD behavior kicks in for my mom. HPD's feel that approval is an absolute necessity. Literally compare it to a humans' need for water. To a HPD, disapproval from peers or family, when it deals directly with their behavior, a decision they made, a relationship they have and so on, is absolutely unacceptable. In most cases HPD persons are aware of the disapproval but when it is first recognized, it is translated into a fault of the person putting forth the disapproval. For instance, an HPD individual in regards to a peer that has rejected her "she only hates me because of her horrible jealousy. I feel bad for her."

Nonetheless, a person with HPD strives for approval and that motive alone is the coal that runs the train in her must-impress behavior. With my mom, she became obsessed with impressing her in-laws. She called them Mr. and Mrs. She insisted my brother and I called them Mr. and Mrs. She instructed her friends to call them Mr. and Mrs. She made it clear to everyone that she would be putting them above her, on a throne. She was their humble servant doing everything for them but rub their feet—which she would have had they asked. She'd light candles for the table, cook an excessive amount of food, and served them first—soul food as she always pointed out. It may have actually been a little derogatory that as soon as Mr. and Mrs. walked in the door she'd say, "I made you collard greens!" It was over the top—it was obvious. Pure ridiculousness.

Now that I am able to look back on it, I realize that her in-laws neither liked her more or less because of this behavior. That didn't matter to my mom. What mattered were the small and misinterpreted moments that she felt like she had received approval. I can distinctly remember several times where she took something so minuscule and turned it in her mind to fit her distorted, fantasy perception of herself. Once, the Mrs. complemented my mom on her food. After the guests had left I had overheard my mom in the kitchen telling her husband, "Can you believe she complemented me?! This in incredible! They love me so much. I knew they'd come around, I just knew it! They finally appreciate that I am an amazing wife and daughter-in-law." Sometimes, I wonder why her husband didn't turn to her and say, "Cool out crazy, they just liked your food." She never got a reality check from him though. He wasn't able to pin point the abnormality that I now describe with the actions associated with HPD.

When it comes to the severity of the HPD behavior, I put the "impressing" behavior on the 1-10 scale (10 being most severe) at a 4. Sure, it's annoying but, it wouldn't put my mom in a life or death situation. It's not going to make her go bankrupt (that happened, I'll get to it later) or do something drastic like get married to someone after weeks of dating (this one too, unfortunately happened). No, this is more of a fly at your picnic HPD behavior. I would say, the ones that I found most traumatizing and fear for my mom the most and the real core of why I'd like to see her get help are the below, taken from the American Psychiatric Associations Manual (pg. 656):

Emotional manipulation

Seductiveness

Exhibitionist behavior
Be uncomfortable unless he or she is the center of attention
Dress provocatively and/or exhibit inappropriately seductive or flirtatious behavior
Shift emotions rapidly
Act very dramatically as though performing before an audience with exaggerated emotions and expressions, yet appears to lack sincerity
Be overly concerned with physical appearance
Constantly seek reassurance or approval
Be gullible and easily influenced by others
Be excessively sensitive to criticism or disapproval
Have a low tolerance for frustration and be easily bored by routine, often beginning projects without finishing them or skipping from one event to another
Not think before acting
Make rash decisions
Be self-centered and rarely show concern for others
Have difficulty maintaining relationships, often seeming fake or shallow in their dealings with others