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Is it OK to "take a break" from a parent?

I decided to reply to the letter from my mom with a generic, "let me think about this" note. It was neither cold nor loving, simply without any emotion. I've ran this course with my mom too many times to be emotionally responsive. What are the next steps? I suppose I have to decide how I will handle our interactions. I want to take a break from her. I am so emotionally exhausted with her manipulative and conniving ways. Nothing is ever genuine and everything is about her. Being around her for long periods of time only ends in me being completely worn out with her theatrics. Guess that's what it is to deal with a family member who has Histrionic Personality Disorder. Unpredictable, unstable, and utterly exhausting.

Something that is especially annoying me is my mother's life goal to IMPRESS. In Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disorders, Aaron T. Beck, Arthur Freeman, and associates (1990) list typical beliefs associated with each specific personality disorder. I've underlined the statement regarding impressing since this is the one that's been itching me today. I have more stories than one about every belief stated below. My future posts will certainly be juicy!

Typical Beliefs of People with Histrionic Personality Disorder

• I am an interesting, exciting person.
• In order to be happy I need other people to pay attention to me.
• Unless I entertain or impress people, I am nothing.
• If I don't keep others engaged with me, they won't like me.
• The way to get what I want is to dazzle or amuse people.
• If people don't respond very positively to me, they are rotten.
• It is awful for people to ignore me.
• I should be the center of attention.
• I don't have to bother to think things through. I can go by my "gut" feeling.
• If I entertain people, they will not notice my weaknesses.
• I cannot tolerate boredom.
• If I feel like doing something, I should go ahead and do it.
• People will pay attention only if I act in extreme ways.
• Feelings and intuition are much more important that rational thinking and planning.

So, here's the story. When my mom was divorcing my dad she started hooking up with the part owner of her company. Sure sure, whatever. It happens, right right. I now believe her transition from one male dependency to the other is a direct result of her HPD. The puzzles seemed to fit with this situation once I found out the details of HPD, there was certainly some closure with the "mom left dad for another man" issue lingering within me.

Anyways, her new husband, my ex-stepfather, is black. My mother, white. Okay, no big deal. We live in a new era where interracial marriages are supported and in some places of the nation praised. Rightfully, as they deserve to be in my opinion. I mean, this isn't biblical times people. Our family was pretty accepting. Her new husband's family, not so much. They were a little peeved, their 5' 6" strong black son had left his strong-willed and culturally aggressive black wife for a bouncing, blue-eyed, blonde broad. The first time I met them, I could tell they were internally furious. An older couple that showed little enthusiasm towards anything and yet were able to show even less of an interest in my mom and their son's relationship.

Now, this is where the HPD behavior kicks in for my mom. HPD's feel that approval is an absolute necessity. Literally compare it to a humans' need for water. To a HPD, disapproval from peers or family, when it deals directly with their behavior, a decision they made, a relationship they have and so on, is absolutely unacceptable. In most cases HPD persons are aware of the disapproval but when it is first recognized, it is translated into a fault of the person putting forth the disapproval. For instance, an HPD individual in regards to a peer that has rejected her "she only hates me because of her horrible jealousy. I feel bad for her."

Nonetheless, a person with HPD strives for approval and that motive alone is the coal that runs the train in her must-impress behavior. With my mom, she became obsessed with impressing her in-laws. She called them Mr. and Mrs. She insisted my brother and I called them Mr. and Mrs. She instructed her friends to call them Mr. and Mrs. She made it clear to everyone that she would be putting them above her, on a throne. She was their humble servant doing everything for them but rub their feet—which she would have had they asked. She'd light candles for the table, cook an excessive amount of food, and served them first—soul food as she always pointed out. It may have actually been a little derogatory that as soon as Mr. and Mrs. walked in the door she'd say, "I made you collard greens!" It was over the top—it was obvious. Pure ridiculousness.

Now that I am able to look back on it, I realize that her in-laws neither liked her more or less because of this behavior. That didn't matter to my mom. What mattered were the small and misinterpreted moments that she felt like she had received approval. I can distinctly remember several times where she took something so minuscule and turned it in her mind to fit her distorted, fantasy perception of herself. Once, the Mrs. complemented my mom on her food. After the guests had left I had overheard my mom in the kitchen telling her husband, "Can you believe she complemented me?! This in incredible! They love me so much. I knew they'd come around, I just knew it! They finally appreciate that I am an amazing wife and daughter-in-law." Sometimes, I wonder why her husband didn't turn to her and say, "Cool out crazy, they just liked your food." She never got a reality check from him though. He wasn't able to pin point the abnormality that I now describe with the actions associated with HPD.

When it comes to the severity of the HPD behavior, I put the "impressing" behavior on the 1-10 scale (10 being most severe) at a 4. Sure, it's annoying but, it wouldn't put my mom in a life or death situation. It's not going to make her go bankrupt (that happened, I'll get to it later) or do something drastic like get married to someone after weeks of dating (this one too, unfortunately happened). No, this is more of a fly at your picnic HPD behavior. I would say, the ones that I found most traumatizing and fear for my mom the most and the real core of why I'd like to see her get help are the below, taken from the American Psychiatric Associations Manual (pg. 656):

Emotional manipulation

Seductiveness

Exhibitionist behavior
Be uncomfortable unless he or she is the center of attention
Dress provocatively and/or exhibit inappropriately seductive or flirtatious behavior
Shift emotions rapidly
Act very dramatically as though performing before an audience with exaggerated emotions and expressions, yet appears to lack sincerity
Be overly concerned with physical appearance
Constantly seek reassurance or approval
Be gullible and easily influenced by others
Be excessively sensitive to criticism or disapproval
Have a low tolerance for frustration and be easily bored by routine, often beginning projects without finishing them or skipping from one event to another
Not think before acting
Make rash decisions
Be self-centered and rarely show concern for others
Have difficulty maintaining relationships, often seeming fake or shallow in their dealings with others

Let me speak! Today, my Histrionic Mom left me without words.

This is my first blog, bear with me. I have had a longterm battling relationship with my mom. Her and I hit hard bumps and for years I thought this was, "just normal mother-daughter behavior." In fact, every apology session I had with my mom ended with a statement, "this is normal, moms and daughters butt heads. Its just life." Well, I suppose that would be true if we were say, arguing over a boyfriend that I had or staying out past curfew. That would make sense. But, how about an argument that takes you to the point where a sixteen year-old girl (me), is watching her mom drive off in her car while she sits on the corner lot of an abandoned food mart? That must seem a little less "normal" to someone, right? Well, here we go. My mother and I are going through yet another cycle of drama. This time, I've put my foot down. After our last several phone calls where she has been completely unprovoked and yet still found a window to completely lash-out on me, "You abuser! You are so judgemental! Your time will come where you will regret everything you've done to me! You wait, one day..." Yes, that's me, the "abuser." You'll find as my blog continues that I am often the one portrayed as "beating down","harassing", and "traumatizing" the victim, my mother.

So here is today's issue. My mom and I haven't spoke in a week, since I blatently told her I believe she has symptoms of Histrionic Personality Disorder and though I loved her very much and cared about here, I felt strongly that it was wise for myself and my family that I ask she seek out professional help before we move forward with building our relationship (it is currently rubble and dust). Though histrionics typically are unable to grasp the disorder as being directly relevant to their lives, there is a coping skill which teaches them how to understand the direct link between how their actions lead others to react. For instance:

HPD Woman at Social Event
HPD's Date
HPD's Date's Friend

She says to a man she has never met before: "Oh my gosh, I absolutely LOVE your suit! THAT is SO sharp on you! It makes you look SO amazing. You could never wear anything that LOOKS as GREAT on your BODY as THAT DOES!!!"

"Wow dude, your date is really loud and overly friendly. Is she always like this? I mean, I could be wrong, but it seems like she may have hit on me a bit."

HPD and Date in car: "So, my friend in there said you were being a little overly friendly."

Anger sets in, she begins to cry, "How could he say such a thing! Oh my God! That is ridiculous, he is trying to make me look like a horrible person to break us up I know it! He wants to ruin my life! This is the worse night of my life! I cannot believe someone would make-up such a boldface lie to try to destroy our relationship!"

The point is, an individual with HPD is only able to understand what they want to believe a situation to be. They can take a simply statement such as "you were being overly friendly" and A. Blow it out of proportion in there minds B. Construe it so that it fits perfectly with the Never My Fault mentality.

This leads me to where, this morning, I decided to start a blog. I am not completely sure if this is legal but I think it only right to start this off with a bang. Here is a letter from my mom. For anyone who is knowledgeable about HPD you can find the hints of it within the letter. If your not, what you are looking for are any of the following characteristics:

Overly dramatic, reactive, and intensely expressed behavior; strident and superficial emotionality, emotional storms, constant attention-seeking, sexually seductive behavior, histrionics, submissiveness, eagerness to please, ruthless willfulness (Chodoff, pp. 2727-2728).

Affectation, overreaction, stimulus-seeking, intolerance of inactivity, impulsiveness, theatricality, flirtatiousness, demandingness, attention-seeking, exhibitionism (Millon, pp. 138, 140).

Emotional manipulation, seductiveness; demands for constant attention; cravings for novelty, stimulation, and excitement; suicide gestures and threats (American Psychiatric Association, pg. 656).

One more thing to note, my mom included my two other siblings in the email though they have absolutely nothing to do with this situation. I mean, literally nothing. It was clearly a sad, passive aggressive and inappropriate attempt to put me in the abuser role, once again.

This is what happens when you tell someone who clearly has HPD, that they have HPD:

"Dear Children,

First of all I want to say the single and most important thing to me (after God) is having an incredible relationship with each of you, your spouses and children. I love you very, very much and our time on this earth is very, very short and the years go quickly -so it's important to me to enjoy my time with each of you.

We have all had hurts, said and done things to hurt each other and for my part as a mother my heart is to say I am sorry for anything I have said or done in the past to hurt you. I hope we can achieve forgiveness and let judgmental hearts go, it is destructive to our relationship moving forward. Beating me down emotionally and treating me like I am a failure is not the answer, just as avoiding you in response is not the answer. But, I recognize that I only have control over me. We can only pray that God can reveal our hearts to each other so that we can let go of the judgments, hurts and resentments from the past that continue to impede our ability to enjoy and love each other. We are missing out on precious time and memories because of our stubbornness and pride. It's going to take a group decision to move forward into the future and it is up to us to set the tone and boundaries for our relationships.

Giving me ultimatums to get therapy, self diagnosing me with personality disorders, throwing my past in my face consistently and threatening me by limiting access to my family is hurtful, destructive and pushing me away. As I said, I recognize my choices and decisions impacted you both emotionally and in regard to how you engage in relationships and I can only say I am sorry and ask for your forgiveness. I can't turn back time, but would if I could. My last two years in abuse counseling, Alanon getting spiritual counseling and having to move back to KC alone living in the house myself for that extra 6 month with no support has made me very healthy. (Having a roommate social worker with a Master's Degree has been really great too!) She works on every type of personality disorder on a daily basis and strongly disagrees with the Histrionic "label" that has been placed on me. Everyone has some tendencies of various disorders, but their are specific criteria to be properly diagnosed which I do not meet. That is really irrelevant, but I was greatly offended by that.

Working at SAFE Home has changed my life for the better. Abused women lack rational thinking and make extremely poor choices. I am not using that as an excuse, but am trying to help you understand the mind set I was operating from when I made poor choices in the past that affected you guys. My negative choices are totally clear and the effect they have had and I have turned them into positives. My heart breaks for what you children have had to endure under "verbally and mentally" abusive home life and the consequences you have suffered from my behavior. I apologize again and encourage you to check out Alanon for great understanding and coping skills for any hurt, bitterness and resentments you might feel. It has really changed my life.

This is what I have learned..it's not my place to tell you what you need, or to try to coerce you to do something I think you should do. It's my job to love you unconditionally no matter what life brings. Your choices can only be made by you. It would be unhealthy for me to be forced into doing something as an ultimatum. Every person has to make choices based on what they want not someone else.

I love you, I want to laugh, live, love and enjoy our short time on this earth together! It is going to take each of us working on that together.

Love,

Mom"

So, what do you think? How should I respond?